People Pleasers: Are You Giving Too Much of Yourself in a Relationship?
If so, (though common in many of us) it can be a Trait of HSPs (aka highly sensitive persons) and can certainly develop resentment in relationships and in your life.
Today we are sharing Julie Bjellands video on the tendency for highly sensitive persons to over commit, over give, be people pleasers and give too much of yourself to others. Because of this tendency, HSPs tend to hold onto a significant amount of resentment in relationships.
Why is that so?
- all types of relationships,
- work, and more!
HSPs tend to be over-givers and people pleasers. Because of this HSP trait, you become depleted. Resentment builds from depletion or instances where you are not having your needs met in some way.
Julie likens resentment to a tank.
When the tank fills up, (and people pleasers are good at this!) you start to break down other areas of your life including your own health, relationships and everyday life including work and friendships.
Resentment requires mental energy. Unfortunately, this type of mental energy is negatively oriented, downward pulling and destructive.
The Process of Compromise for HSPs and People Pleasers
In Julie’s practice and HSP therapy she likes to help highly sensitive persons better understand the process of compromise and what you as an HSP tend to do in compromise.
In a perfect world, each person states honestly what their ideal scenario would be. The process in a healthy understanding of compromise is that each person in the couple comes to an agreeable meeting point in the middle, between each of their “ideal scenarios”.
The problem with “people pleasers” and highly sensitive persons is that they don’t start from their ideal point. They always tend to take a lesser (not ideal) position.
They are thinking about the other person first . They are wanting to give the other person what they want right outta’ the gate! (I’m guessing confrontation or attempts at compromise are overwheleming for highly sensitive persons and they just want to be a people pleaser and get to happy ending sooner.)
This may work in the short run, but in the long run it will create depletion and lack of needs being met, which is an unsavory recipe for continued resentment.
HSPs tend to start lower than their ideal point and then overcompromise (beyond their compromise point) to a point where their needs can’t be met and the resentment tank continues to fill. This is a perhaps unconscious habit of over-giving, over-committing and giving too much of yourself (possibly) in many areas of your life.
Another problem with this scenario is that the other person in the pair assumes you are being honest about your “ideal scenario”.
They don’t know what’s going on in your head (necessarily)! So, they expect compromise beyond your already over-compromised “ideal scenario” that isn’t really your “ideal”. (Watch Julie’s visual on this in the video above, it’s helpful)
Over-giving, over-committing and people pleasing at work can look like taking on someone else’s work along with your own. The expectation starts to build that you are willing to take on other people’s work (your over-giving and people pleasing nature). Once the expectation starts to build, you start to become depleted and the resentment tank starts to fill up again.
Does any of this sound familiar?
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Resentment Destroys Relationships, So, Let’s Put Resentment Into Context
I am a teacher of understanding levels of conciousness and where TRUE Power, TRUE Love, TRUE Creativity, TRUE Fulfillment and TRULY Loving relationships really exist.
RESENTMENT calibrates at about 150 on *The Map of Consciousness® or 10 to the 150th power.
This impersonal field of consciousness is negatively oriented, downward pulling and destructive. The process going on in consciousness is aggression, the emotion is hatred, your view of yourself is antagonistic and your view or perception of GOD is that GOD is vengeful.
People pleasing, is a level of consciusneness that can stem from deep seeded feelings of “not enough” and victimhood.
You could also be operating from a lower level of consciousness around resentment in relationships with others on the level of consciousness of PRIDE. Pride calibrates at 175 on on *The Map of Consciousness® or 10 to the 175th power.
The process going on at this level of consciousness (and perhaps in your resentful relationship) is inflation. The emotion going on here (in this impersonal attractor field) is scorn. If you are demanding of yourself and others, then it’s a good indication you are operating from a lower level of conciousness and you need to let go of it and get outta’ there! And if you are perceiving GOD as indifferent, then you need help with letting go of the resentment.
Resentment is destructive in many areas of your life including your health! It can’t help but be destructive because the energy or vibration of this level is destructive by nature!
If you are familiar with Louise Hay and her book “You Can Heal Your Life” then you may be aware that resnetment shows up in many areas of the body, but famously as cancer.
It is highly advisable to understand your tendencies as a “people pleaser”, over-giver, over-committer or giving too much of yourself in a relationship or to others. It is common in many os us, but particularly common as an trait of an HSP or highly sensitive person.
If you need help with letting go of resentment and living a happy ful-filled I have a few resources for you, as does Julie Bjelland.
I have a weekly podcast & videocast called, “Your Weekly Dose of Higher Consciousness” is was launched to offer help in letting go of lower levels of consciousness and learning how to be happy and love yourself and operate from higher levels of consciousness.
Julie Bjelland is one of our select partners and HSP therapist and subject matter expert in helping highly sensitive persons step into their own power and express the gifts they came here to share.
*The consciousness calibrations are from Dr. David R. Hawkins book Power vs Force.
Check out Julie’s Brain Training Program for HSPs here.
I also invite you to watch our High Vibe Tribe Interview with Julie Bjelland here. If you prefer podcasts, you can download our podcast interview here.
We’ve interviewed other HSP and Empath experts to acknowledge and support you!
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About Global HSP Therapist and Consultant Julie Bjelland
I am the author of several books and journals and teach the brand new course, 7 Steps to Embody the Gifts of Your Sensitivity, Understand Your Emotional Brain, Navigate Overwhelm, & Flourish as an HSP. I also teach a brain training course designed specifically for HSPs. My books have been recommended by world-renowned psychologists Elaine Aron, Tara Brach, PhD, Rick Hanson, PhD, Ted Zeff, PhD among many others. I am now pleased to serve as the sensitivity expert for Dr. Hanson’s online program as well as being a member of the faculty of The Shift Network.
In addition to my work with HSPs, I also specialize in working with anxiety and am a proud supporter of diversity and the LGBTQQ community.
I’ve taken what I know about the trait, what I know about the brain, and what I know about the personal experience of extreme sensitivity and developed particular tools and techniques to help reduce the challenges and increase the positives that HSPs experience on a daily basis.
These techniques have been developed over years of working with highly sensitive people and have been extremely successful for the clients and students I work with. Highly sensitive people tend to really thrive quickly with the right tools. And I think it’s important to have these techniques because our life gets a lot better and so does the life of those around us.
Your sensitive self is beautiful. We need you in the world.
Julie is also one of our affiliate partners and provides one of many consciously curated online courses for our Lighthouse Library of Alternative Online Courses.
Visit Julie’s website at JulieBjelland.com